Welcome to another episode of soup for your extremities. Using a slow cooker for anything other than it's intended purpose seems alarmingly grotesque. Why is that? Fuck, no one wants to put their feet where meat has been. Period. Know what the opposite of meat is though? TEAM. As in take one for the team and save our landfills by filling your land with reusable items. Today, instead of throwing away your old meat cooker, you're going to relax and pull up a chair. Throw some wax in and voila...no one is thinking about old meat now (that isn't voluntarily sleeping with an octogenerian.) Sadly, that counts me out.
SLOW COOKER PARAFFIN BATH
First, wash the living F out of your slow cooker. As mentioned before, this is where old meat (and blood) used to live. Also, wipe your memory of that last sentence. Wipe it with bleach and burn it with hydroflouric acid. It's one of the only chemicals that will entirely detroy the DNA of the blood.
Call your friends and tell them about that awesome, funny and unique site DIYrrhea.com
When your friends ask you to defend what exactly you see in DIYrrhea.com, let them know that instead of boring contest where the creators give things away and have helpful content that shows them how to make useful things, the editors rely completely on viewers like you to contribute. Enunciate the "You" when you say that last sentence.
AND THEN THEN
When your friends ask if you are getting paid to promote this site, tell them only if they donate a SUBSTANTIAL amount of cash. Show them where the donation button is on the front page (Act very natural, not like desperate or rushed. Just don't make it weird.)
Add the paraffin wax to the crockpot, crank it up to high until the wax begins to melt. When it is about half melted, turn it to warm until it's all the consistency of warmed paraffin. Stick your feet in and coat them in the blood, I mean WAX! After they are coated you can bring them out to dry and let them sit for ten minutes.
Once your friends have submitted to paying a SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF CASH (Always say dollars, not bucks, it sounds cheap) then you may remove the wax and look at your soft and luxurious feet meat.
Here in Portland, we like to look at the glass as half high. We also like to recycle the fuck out of things. So faced with the crock pot challenge for this week, I incorporate both using and re-using.
DOPE SOAP All measurements are by weight, not volume.
✯ 8 oz (227 g) coconut oil (27.5%)
✯ 16 oz (454 g) olive oil (55%)
✯ 2 oz (57 g) shea butter (7%)
✯ 3 oz (85 g) sunflower oil (10.5%)
✯ 4.05 oz (115 g) lye (6% superfat)
✯ 11 oz (312 g) of herbal tea
After cook time, add:
✯ 1 to 2 tablespoons of cbd oil
✯ 1 to 2 tbsp of your favorite oil
✯ 1/2 tablespoon honey
✯ 1 tablespoon water (to dilute honey so it won’t scorch)
You'll also need
3.5 qt. Crockpot
Stick Blender (preferred)
Long Sleeve Shirt
Next you'll work with your oils. Melt the coconut oil and shea butter together, in a small saucepan. Weigh out the olive and sunflower oil and add directly to your crockpot. Once melted, pour in the coconut oil and shea butter as well. Turn your crock pot on low. (If you have an old crock pot that heats up super slow, then you might want to pre-warm it for ten to fifteen minutes before you start.)
STEP 3: When the oils are at 110 degrees and the lye is 120 degrees, you'll pour the lye into the slow cooker and begin to stir with the stick blender until you reach trace. Trace is when the mixture has gotten thick enough to leave a slight, fleeting imprint when the batter is drizzled across itself.
STEP 4: Once you’ve reached trace, put the lid on your slow cooker and cook the soap for one hour. I like to set my timer and check every fifteen minutes, to make sure things are going okay. Some people like to stir while the soap cooks, I don’t usually do that though.
STEP 5: After cook time, stir well and mix the CBD and any other essential oils you would like. If you don't add any color seeds or dyes the soap will end up white. You may want to throw in some cannabis leaves for looks. The olive oil will give it a slight green tint.
STEP 6: Spoon the soap into your mold. Whatever mold you use, tap it lightly on the counter, to help the hot soap settle in. One downside to crock pot soap is that it’s not as smooth as cold process, so the backs or tops of your soap – depending on your type of mold – will be rough and rustic looking.
STEP 7: Set the molds aside to cool until the next day. Unmold carefully and slice into bars, if using a l oaf mold. The great thing about making soap in your crock pot, is that it’s ready to use right away! However, it will still benefit and last longer if you let it cure in the open air for a few weeks.
It's winter and as the cold front rolls in so does a new shipment of crack cocaine from wherever crack cocaine comes from. You may be living in a big city where crackheads tend to commune and think to yourself "How can I get my hands in some dirty fingerless gloves this season." Well, you are in luck! You don't have to be a crackhead to dress like one. And if you are new to crack, you might not know exactly how to fit in the scene so we're here to help guide you through the crackhead trends for this winter and how you can achieve them all on your own.
Garbage can fires — Perfect for under an overpass or down a dark alley, a garbage can fire can help cast a warm glow onto your already lit expression. Great for a night with “friends” or huddling alone with perceived spirits these recepticles will be a focal point this winter.
Snaggle Toof — A tooth is a straight tooth, a toof is that one straggler right in front that seems to be going in several directions at once. It doesn’t matter if it’s Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter the snaggle never goes out of style. Most people assume this is from a pipe or a birth defect. No, this look is most easily achieved by getting into a bum fight or hitting your tooth on a 40 oz.
Fingerless Gloves— Nothing says hot-cold like a moody crackhead freaking out at a 7–11 and then asking politely for a free cup of coffee. That’s why the fingerless gloves are a perfect accessory. They keep you warm while also letting in the cool air. Since you are breathing more rapidly than usually, well, so should your fingers! This look can be attained by taking a regular pair of dollar store gloves, burning them, biting them and sucking them to shreds.
Dirty Beanie — There’s plenty of places to procure a new beanie…homeless shelters, hospitals and community centers to name a few…but you don’t want one of those. Old trash beanies are the trend for this winter so find yourself a dumpster, a headlamp and a sack cause you’re going to need some serious determination.
Being a crackhead this year is all about getting creative and having fun with intermittent bouts of hostile aggression, paranoia and zoning out. Fill in all of the transitional gaps with your very own scavenger hunt for the holidays as you locate the above stated trends and keep it a hundred percent.
Ding, ding, ding...in this corner, you have collagen pills, supplements and peptides. Some can be pricey, some can be a pain in the butt to swallow and some contain various forms of collagen from cow hides, chicken feet and other animal bi-products. In the other corner you have your basic bone broth that can take fifty years to make, isn't conveniently made or traveled with, yet can be eaten with a multitude of things (oatmeal, smoothies, etc.) So which one is better?
First off, both broth AND supplements can be purchased. There is a company called Bonafide that sells quality bone broth. If you deep dive Google you'll find many companies like this so it's not like you have to baby the broth yourself for the 18-24 recommended hours it takes to make. If broth wasn't readily available at Whole Foods or other such markets that would definitely be a down side, but that is not the case.
Seeing as how both forms of collagen are readily available we'll take a look at other ways these proteins differ.
Digestion: According to the Mayo clinic the best way to get nutrients is through our food. On their website it states:
"Supplements aren't intended to substitute for food. They can't replicate all of the nutrients and benefits of whole foods, such as fruits and vegetables. Whole foods offer three main benefits over dietary supplements:
Some supplements come with risks because of the way our body processes them. They don't always go where they are intended. In this major way, bone broth is the best way to deliver collagen amino acids.
Sources: Bone broth typically is extracted from chicken or beef. Supplements on the other hand come from many different sources and thus present a wider array of health beneifts. For instance some supplements contain undenatured collagen which is a type that is processed without heat. There are 28 forms of collagen that have been identified, the majority coming from what they term I, II and III. Supplements contain many more types than a single source broth and so in this way the pill might be a better way to go.
Proven Results: There is actually a lot more research regarding the health benefits of supplementing collagen proteins vs. eating soup. These results include hair, skin and nail regrowth. It also helps with bones and tendons and your natural gut flora. However, if you look at cultures that eat bone broth based soups regularly the results are visible if not quantifiable. This is research you can do yourself. Try a month of eating broth on the reg and see if your nails get solid. Do the same with a 30-day supplement. In my experience collagen peptides type II from denatured sources worked the best.
I don't know if there is such a thing as a collagen overdose or what that might look like, but my research shows that while it's always better to consume nutrients that are bioavailable, it doesn't hurt to add supplementation especially if it is something we either can't get from our food or it's too time consuming to bother. In this way, if you are trying to get a boost of these proteins that our bodies tend to produce less of as we get older you might want to try a pot of soup a week and a three times a day supplement that comes from a source you can't get through your personal bone collection.
You've got all these scrap lipsticks around that you either didn't use, used too much and now they are just a nub or didn't like the color to begin with and they're littering the bottom of your makeup bag. If you leave them too long I guarantee they'll be leaving streaks on your good clothes and melting to the sides of tube where you'll never get them out.
Use them now! Don't make this another DIY disaster where you read something, think "that's a good idea" and then go on to eat pork rinds and watch CSI. Grab all your lipsticks. Yes, now! This is easy. We're not going to over complicate it and we're not going to use anything difficult. All you need are your old lipsticks, some butter or oil, a baggy and a microwave.
Load up the baggy with the colors you want and nuke them for 30 seconds. This will liquify the colors together. Feel free to remix and add more of one color or another. You''ll want to use one of the old caps to stick the baggy in so it will mold the lipstick as it dries. Once it is dry, pull the bag out and cut to a preferred size. Use one of the old lipstick bases to insert your tube into.
Voila! You are a magician's apprentice! Now apply the lipstick and make sure to give yourself a kiss.
We're leaving our meth summer fashion behind as we steer our stolen BMX bikes into colder temperatures. Whereas summer had us in cut off jorts and grocery carts, fall will have us in more garbage bag ponchos and tin foil hats. Strike up your conspiracy theories cause false flags aren't just a government scheme, they're the designs on your blankets and NRA hats you'll be finding at second hand stores everywhere this season.
GARBAGE BAG PONCHOS:
Who needs a real poncho when you can find one that works just as well right in the garbage! I'm sorry, did I say in the garbage? I meant you can make it out of garbage. That's right, you'll be totes incognito as you walk the earth like the living dead in this cape with a hood that is totally recyclable!
TIN FOIL HATS
There's a lot of people that are trying to tap into your frequency, who doesn't understand that? Protect your frequency with this easy hand made DIY concoction. You'll need roughly five feet of foil which you'll fold in half for extra layered effect. Than wrap the folded 2.5 feet around your head overlapping the sides. You'll want to crunch the excess foil on top to keep it together and also to make a handle for easily getting it on and off.
Since there is a surplus of MAGA merch floating around and irony makes for great fashion, you'll want to scoop up a handful at your landfill. Trump has made the divide even greater between the extremely rich and the homeless, making your neighborhood tent station prime real estate. Make America Great Again by showing your support.
Even more than clothing, attitude is what it's really all about this fall. In summer, exercising a relaxed manipulation by accumulating favors and things with the illusion of kindness was the trend. This fall if you aren't saying "What are you looking at?" or "I'm gonna kill you" several times a day than you aren't in the know.
Hopefully, these tips will help you SPEED into fall with aggression, style and American Pride.
You ever think those questions, what if you were to get stranded on a desert island or lost in a jungle..and then panic because you know you wouldn't have any of your beauty products. I know. What if you were forced to go on "Naked and Afraid" because we lived in some totalitarian "Hunger Games" dystopia, how would you accentuate your eyes?! My point is, it's good to know how to do things from scratch in case shit hits the fan. Vinegar is great for cleaning shit off fans, so there's that. But one thing you might now not already is how you are going to have smooth, sexy legs in the wild. Let me tell you, honey.
Honey Hair Wax
2 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp water
pieces of cloth
This stuff really, really works so be careful. Nuke these ingredients for 30-35 seconds until it starts to bubble a little. When it cools a bit you'll want to spread in the desired area against the grain. Peel off just like wax and voila you'll have Sasquatch asking you for a spare.
Most of us don't have money to go to the spa, but we have time. If we were spending more of that time making money we could go to the spa, but who wants to do that?
There are really only three steps to making a serious load of combinations as far as bath salts go. Oil, sugar/salt and essential oil. With just those three ingredients you can mix and match a number of luxurious scrubs that often come out way better than anything you'd pay a reasonable amount for at the store.
Here are just a few examples:
See how easy that recipe is. Get creative it's just Sugar/Salt + Oil + scented oil. You can throw in herbs as well if you want to step it up, you know dress it up a little.
Have you ever dipped your fingers in wax and then pulled them out? They are super smooth to the touch! So why wouldn't it do that to your face? It does! The other great thing is that it waxes the places you want hair removed in a gentle way. I wouldn't rely on this method for hair removal exclusively, it's more for the smooth feel after a facial. The other great thing is that is just peels right off. You don't have a bunch of gunk sticking to places around your nose. It literally comes right TF off.
What you do:
Put wax on your face, it's that easy! Dip your fingers in warm candle wax and then quickly apply to your face. It's a super weird sensation. I can only assume that for it to have even more benefit you could use a candle that has bees wax and essential oils. Number one: because bees wax is used for hair removal and is organic. Number two: because the oils are naturally moisturizing to your skin. A few scented candles that might be ideal are lavender, pomegranate seed oil and sandalwood. Lavender is great for redness, puffiness and is an anti-inflammatory. Sandalwood is good for really dry skin and has a calming effect. Pomegranate is good for anti-aging and some other shit I can't remember.
You know you're bored and dying to try something new that doesn't involve getting up. This DIY beauty is perfect for that DTTSNTDIGU attitude! Plus it's like a total Lumiere throwback, Beauty and the Beast mfer's.
Just cause you're homeless doesn't mean you have to look like a pioneer that walked onto the set of Mad Max. Yes, of course you might be on crack, herin or meth and your high is tainting your style choices. That is why I am writing this article. Ya'll look cray.
Here's some simple ways to hustle a look so ya'll just feel cray...you don't look it. Believe it or not you'll make A LOT more panhandling if you don't look scarier than that little rat dog you have tied to a nearby post.
1: 2 Good pairs of jeans, an expensive hoodie, nice pair of shoes: Steal, beg or borrow. Salvation army and Goodwill have clothing vouchers. 211 has leads on stuff like that too. Even the richest of people have these staples, but in your life you can pass for having money and being "normal" while you are also maintaining utility. Being homeless gets cold!
2: Do your laundry and shower: Truck stops have showers you can use for free if you hit up the drivers for their vouchers. Laundry is $4 a week that you can easily score at the laundry mat. See if there is a plasma center nearby and you can recoup this money and do something productive while your clothes are goin'. Hygene is a must for being glamsient.
3: Free coffee: There are ways to get high tech Starbucks espresso's and a cup of coffee for signing up for things online (Starbucks does a birthday deal) or downloading the app for that particular coffee shop. If you're really scandalous you can duplicate the stamps the company does or complain about your last sucky coffee...whatever you have to do. Can't call yourself a glamsient if you don't have a designer coffee!
4: Hair: At least in my city of Portland there are lots of places that do free haircuts for the homeless. 211 is a good source for this kind of stuff. A pair of clippers with scissors is 10$ and guaranteed you can find someone within a half mile that "claims" they know how to cut hair and wants to prove it. You can always trial and "hair-or" try and do it yourself. Youtube has plenty of tutorials which I've put to good use. As far as color, discount markets where stuff has gone to close out prices can be amazing!
5: Makeup and Nails: Now we are moving past the basics into the luxuries. Now that you look aight, it's possible to walk into a department store, get a little squirt of perfume, ask for some skincare samples and set a time for a make over. You can skip around town as many department stores do these including Sephora and Ulta. All these shops have sections where you can do it yourself as well...as long as you look kinda "normal". Investing in a gel nail lamp is the best money I've ever spent. For $40 on Amazon you can get a whole kit that last months, plus the next time you need product you have the lamp and it's about $10. $10 to have beautiful gel nails for months is like buying a kid in Africa 20 cups of coffee.
Now you look and smell great. You look normal enough to get a job, but pleased enough with your hustle that you never will!