Looking in your fridge one would guess you're poor, lazy, ravenous or all three. The shelves are bare, but the door is a host of preservatives; Jars full of jams, pickled onions, brains (see zombie diet) and whatever else you keep in them. Your fridge looks as empty as you feel inside, but it's really not. With our condiment courses you can take out your picnic blanket and make a banquet with just ketchup, beans and a few other ingredients.
Canned Beans (Kidney, Navy, Pinto)
2 tsp Cumin
2 tsp Chili Powder
1 tsp Cinnamon
1 tsp Sugar
Bell Pepper (Optional)
Plain greek yogurt or sour cream
Any kind of cheese
I made this on Saturday and it turned out completely edible. First, you'll want to saute the onions, bell pepper, jalapeno and garlic or whichever of those you have. Next you'll add the seasoning at the ass end of the saute process, right before you remove the pan from the range. Keep that on the side as you open a can or two of beans (a mixture of two kinds works best). Heat up the beans and add the ketchup as well as the vegetables. Bring to high heat for a few minutes to cook out some of the sugar. After about five minutes bring heat down to low and leave on for about fifteen minutes. When you are ready to eat, add toppings and see if it turned out. You'll have to let us know!
Made corned beef for St. Patty's this year and I didn't have any sour krout. They call it sour cause it's generally the most grumpy food there is. Real neg vibes. Looked through everything else I had in the fridge and Brussell sprouts seemed to be the closest sub. Then I saw my good old condiments. Kimchi! It's fermented, it's cabbage based and it does have a hint of spice. Never ever did I ever realize kimchi could turn out BETTER than any Ruben I've ever had.
In a toaster make a little elevator for your bread. When it comes up from the burning basement it should have a nice blackened effect. Mix ketchup and mayo together with finely chopped pickles for the sauce and slather on one side of the sandwich. Put a layer of Kimchi over that and a layer of corned beef on top of that. And hello! Voila! Psyche! Best sandwich ever!
Nothing says MAGA like taking a cultural dish and taking a deep deposit on it. How does one take a deposit on a classic...well...making it much more difficult than it actually is. Is that all? No...you ALSO have to make everyone feel as if it is some kind of shortcut. That is what we are going to do with today's recipe for Vietnamese Pho. What you'll need are accessories, accessories, accessories. Instead on just a stove and a pot we're going to cook this on a campfire twist on compact stove top, an individual propane tank, a slab of tile and the great outdoors. Feel free to also bring a dog, a five room tent, some guns, a monster truck with a tool box and a cooler full of beer.
Optional adds: (for added flavor)
Directions: Heat water on high until it boils. When boiling add broth. Just like with regular Pho you'll cook your desired meats in the broth at high heat. When your meats are done you can simply move your pot off the flame, add your garnishes and eat directly from the pot.
Make it a party and provide individual units for ALL your guest. It's a fun activity and brutal to plan!
What you got in your fridge? Oh, I see an old milk carton that expired a month ago, two hot dogs in a rolled up package, a pickle jar with scraps. Wait, okay, you got lemon juice concentrate, a couple cloves of garlic and a package of carrots. Then in the pantry I see three different kinds of beans. Black beans, kidney beans and these weird albino beans in a can. No garbanzo's, no problem! Then you have peanut butter...lots of it. Well, now we're talking! You also got a sticky bottle of vegetable oil? Perfect!
1/2 lb. of beans (almost any kind-garbanzo's preferred)
4 tbsp peanut butter
4 tbsp vegetable oil or olive oil (preferred)
1 tbsp lemon juice concentrate or real lemons (preferred)
2 cloves of garlic OR 2 tsp of garlic salt
pinch of salt
Red Pepper Flakes (optional)
If the beans are raw then clean them and soak overnight. Boil until soft and when they cool down blend to a paste. If from can go straight to blending.
Add peanut butter, oil, lemon juice, garlic, salt and red pepper if you like spice. Blend all together and refrigerate for 30 minutes. Use with carrots, pita, chips or schmear on a bagel. Schmear/shmeer. What is it? Schiz-meer. Schiz-meer on a baggle.
A normal person might think this is sub-par, but you're on a budget and you know it. You haven't eaten anything besides beer in days and you feel like you could eat this shit with a shovel. If you feel like having friends over, feel free to whittle your carrots into tiny shovels for an overall demeaning effect.
Ever since you turned into a zombie, you've noticed a change in your behaviors: You never sleep, you've become disinterested in regular tasks/conversations and you have an insatiable desire to eat brains.
If we are what we eat like the experts say then how come you're not trying out for Jeopardy any time soon?
Brains need lots of energy for starters. If you are going to be feasting 24/7 your brain is going to need fuel in the form of either sugars or fats to keep your walking dead ass going. Since sugars are out of the question (ew gross!) you're going to need to need lots of fat just to exist short of getting ahead of the feasting game.
Fortunately, brains are the fattiest organ in the human body. Unfortunately, the ratio of water to fat is pretty high. Made up of 75% water the organ only provides a small amount of meat that gets digested into polyunsaturate fats that you can use. This means in order to get your fat content high enough that your body is able to saunter 5 miles per hour, groaning and feasting you need to eat more than 30 brains a day!
So in the future try getting your brain consumption higher than the 30 bpd (brains per day) so that one day you might have enough restored brain function to read this article or, you know, think about your lifestyle choices.
Happy 4/20 everyone! It's the perfect day to start a blog about food. There's so many recipes you can make while you're stoned: condiment frittata's, beef ramen, chicken ramen, spicy chicken ramen and chips to name a few.
One of my fav's is blah-camole, a poor person's twist on guacamole. This recipe is perfect for students and anyone who just doesn't have any money...namely poor people.
Avocado's are great. We're not going to use those. To poor people avocado's are like tiny grenades in the produce section: we run from them. We know that if we stand there long enough we'll buy them because they are so good, but they will explode our wallets when we get to the cashier. In this recipe I use frozen peas as a substitute for avocado's. Nothing says poor like peas.
Blend the peas in a counter top blender. Chop the tomato, onion, jalapeno, cilantro and garlic in a separate bowl. Add the juice of the lime to the pico mixture then salt. Now mix in the peas and voila you have an edible, green, mock guac. Grab your fav bag of chips and marry the two. Hold a ceremony. Smoke a bowl. Enjoy!
From making complete hungover shit piles to simply taking pictures of food and then throwing it away, I seek to aid with even the most nonsensical of food and beverage absurdities.
DIYrrhea.com is super happy to promote Performance Lab Nootropics for increased memory and cognition like the guys in Silicon Valley use. Don't be a zombie. Check out the reviews on this shit!