You've got a tattoo with your exes name on it. Your ex was a professional POS like literally had a business card that read "Asshole for Hire". It was that same confidence in being an asshole that attracted you to him in the first place...you got problems too. Anyhoo, now Cliff (I know, what a name! Sounds exactly where you feel like disposing of the body) has a place securely on your left boob forever. You could get it lasered and have a nebulous scar or you could get some bigger splatter to make it look like he doesn't matter, but why not use your tit to badvertise what a real piece of shit he was. For just pennies (Well, it sounds good, like you're doing a service for women everywhere) you can add a message, a public service announcement if you will, to broadcast what exactly Cliff is all about. Here are some words and phrases you can add to a tattoo so you know you can insure you have the last say.
(Cliff)"IS STUPID" - Well, isn't he? He left you. You who treated him right. You who paid the pills. You who did sweet things on Holidays. He had a free ride and he fucked it up. What an idiot!
"I GOT FUCKED OVER BY" (Cliff) "AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TIT TATTOO" - Very honest.
(Cliff)"HAS A SMALL PENIS" - This doesn't have to be true, but no one will ever know the truth and it will plant a question in their mind as to whether or not he really does have a micro-thingy.
Lots to work with here and depending on your bra size you could fit a whole sentence! Have fun with Cliff, the kind of fun you wish you'd had with him, but never got the chance. Asshole.
Are you sick of planning all the dates? Do you feel like the only interesting or better yet interest-ed party in your party of two? Maybe it's time to lead your partner towards a little thing called self-drive. The thing is that you are so used to coming up with the ideas that you are now pigeonholed as the planner. Wah-wah. Studies show the best way to get your sig other to change is by manipulating them into thinking said change is their idea (What study you ask? Me studying your ass, this is a parody site I can do W.T. Fuck I want!) In effect the best way to reverse the roles and get them to squeeze out a miniscule, pebble of an idea you have to learn how to fake a boregasm. A boregasm is the opposite of an orgasm, instead of joy you are experiencing pain...they do, however, sound EXACTLY the same.
First you'll want to play a few rounds of "What do you want to do tonight". After six to eight "I don't know, what do you want to do tonight's" you are ready to begin the moanage. Hold your lips agape and with the back of your throat you'll do a chant-like "Aaahhhhhhh". At first he will be alarmed, thinking you have been hurt. In response you will give him a look like "Got any real answers". When he doesn't respond because his resource center is still backed up, you'll let out a long "Uhhhhhgggggggggggggggg" Shake your head once you've pinched off your sigh as to appear completely disappointed in your choice of partner. Then be silent. In this moment of silence they will be assessing what just happened. It will give them time to think back to what triggered such an extreme response. When they come back they will have a lame idea. Now you'll want to flail onto the floor and act like you're having a mini-seizure meanwhile saying "No, no, no, no, no" Now they will feel the pressure to come up with something good AND fast. It doesn't matter what it is going to cost or what they have to do, they are willing just to get you to stop. If you do it right you might even get to go to the Escape Room or some other novelty date that lame partners usually HATE.
When I was working at a restaurant in Salt Lake I was dating a musician that liked to drop off apples for me to smoke out of. We had to be discrete so I could get in a midday puff and it was his way of being sweet and letting me know he was thinking about me. Anyway, here's a few discrete's so you can drop a bowl for your sweetheart or just improvise in a crisis.
This is a great way to look like a legit drug dealer and save money while doing it. I hope you understand what I just said...I'm feeling a little jittery. Anyhoo...to make pills you just need a pill press or a pill filler, but Pill Powers to the rescue you can make your own pill filler at home with some simple tools!
7-11 Spoon Straw (Soon to be the most illegal item on this list)
Your diet pill blend or powdered substance of choice
I don't trust myself with scissors so I use a BIC pen.. Just like the pens you might use to stab someone in the neck and create a breathing tube if something was lodged in the airway and they were unable to breath, this pen is going to be used to stab cardboard (which is good practice).
Take the shoe box lid and start stabbing holes a half inch apart on all sides and don't do this on a street corner or a public meeting area, it can be especially distracting to people in the lobby of a prestigious dental clinic especially when your hands are sweating bad and the pen has no grip. So stab away in the comforts of your own home or empty Walmart bathroom. Once you have about twenty holes they should be the perfect circumference to fit a gelcap.
Now you will insert a gelcap into each individual hole. First, you'll want to take the powdered substance you ordered from overseas of which you wish to fill the gel caps and using the spoon straw take dips and pour it in.
Once your pills are filled and capped they are ready to snack on. Or I mean take responsibly.
REPTILIAN REMOVAL FOR BEGINNERS
Written By Featured Author Scott Brandish
Welcome to my Celestial HealingsTM site!
My name is Scott Brandish and I’m going to guide you through creating your own aura cleansing and remote prayer website so you can profit off of marijuana users, people mentally unfit for retail jobs and internet induced schizophrenic’s. First, you’ll want to choose between one of three backgrounds: Indigo with lasers, spacescape with Aurora Borealis or floating Celestial orbs. Get creative! Once you have chosen your unique background you’ll be able to begin writing content. The first few paragraphs should be about yourself so you can bring defenses down and build trust. For example my site begins:
“I am an ordained God-minion of the pure bloodline Hadith and registered practitioner of Reiketh.”
Just like that, make yourself relatable. Next, throw in some reviews of your service and if you don’t have any customers yet feel free to make them up and reference only a first and last initial so they can’t be traced. Here are two sample reviews from my site:
Review 1: “Having a Divine Healing was like taking a spirituality stein and shotgunning it. It filled my entire being with the Power of the Heavens” — H.R.
Review 2: “I thought I might have a brain tumor one night because my head felt like it had a small man with a hammer inside pounding at my temple. I Googled it and followed the symptoms to the worst possible diagnosis. Later, I found your site and was told to follow the Divine Healing PrayerTM would only cost me an additional 79.99. I purchased it and shortly after, maybe five minutes, I felt the hands of 500 horses picking me up and carrying me. I closed my eyes and saw the horses taking me through the front gates of Burning Man. Actually, I got to stay in one of Robert Redford’s tents and have full access to the lovely catered meal that was provided. Later that night I dropped acid and was shot out of a cannon dressed as half Jack Sparrow, half manic pixie dream girl, on fire. It was a blast. The next day my brain tumor was GONE.” -T.M.I.
Highly recommend to your potential clients before purchasing the service that they find something wrong with themselves and Google it. You’ll want them to feel confident that they have the worst possible ailment to cling on to. Let them know they will need this diagnosis to fill out line 9 on the Divine Healing Order. If they cannot find a suitable diagnosis just have them write in “Fibromyalgia”. Next, cut and paste the following:
“This service has a %99.9 success rate for healing self-diagnosis.”
Make sure that statement is centered and in bold letters. Now that you’ve written about a paragraph or so you’ll want to casually introduce Lizard People and how they have quite possibly taken your potential clients body as a donor. This is an excerpt from my site:
“When I perform the Remote Aura Scan I often discover that a Lizard has snuggled into the host body of the recipient. Not a big deal. We here at Celestial Healing’sTM have obtained Obsidian of the Third Order for the exact purpose of Lizard extraction. Paying 119.00 to keep a Lizard from wearing your body like it’s a Star Wars costume on Halloween is a pretty fair price, don’t ya think? When you receive your Obsidian of the Third Order you’ll simply want to put it under your mattress and wait. It usually takes three to five days. If the Lizard isn’t completely gone after five days, be patient it will happen. You’ll know when the Lizard is gone because you will not feel compelled to sleep on a rock in the sun or snap your head about like a tiny alligator on meth.
If you do not have time to wait for the Obsidian of the Third Order or fill out the questionnaire you can simply click on the button below that reads “Send money for no reason” and enter in any amount larger than 50.00. We insure that your money will be spent on fine robes for me and my assistant, eyebrow waxing (I have my eyebrows completely removed twice a month), completely organic and raw meals delivered to the office (the office is a basement in my friend Margo’s house), a large turquoise pinky ring I’ve had my eyes on for some time and the completion of my website to add laser sounds and a custom indigo background.”
Again, you do not have to write this out verbatim. Feel free to add in a couple freebies as incentive as well. For instance if they order a Remote Aura Scan add in a Remote Full-Body Viewing or if they order a Divine Healing you’ll send them a bonus Obsidian. Remember, this is your scam so you are in control of how much of a freak you look like to people who land here on accident looking for a mortgage broker.
Now that your journey into Complete Celestial Healing has begun please feel free to go to my site and leave your comments. Feel free to use the template provided by my staff.
“I was diagnosed by a doctor four weeks ago as having _________(fill in Google diagnosis) and thought I would never recover. Soon after I discovered Celestial HealingsTM. I was skeptical at first, but after reading the many template filled reviews went ahead and paid the for $299.00 introductory offer to build my own Healing’s Website. I mean it was only $299.00 and for only $119.00 more I was able to not be a lizard again. I did not know I was a lizard in the first place, but now I was guaranteed to not be one. No amount of money could equate to the peace of mind I felt being lizard-free. Thanks Celestial HealingsTM!”
Okay, let's pretend like you're not an alcoholic, you've got a few friends over (Yes, there are people that drink with other people) and you can't find your cork screw. Oh no! We've all been in this predicament and the first inclination is to break the bottle and lap up every last drop that splatters on the floor. Wrong! Not one to waste any amount of wine, I've learned a few tricks that help get that cork out without totally ruining the buzz from the last bottle. And here they are:
Happy Alchy'ing and look for my next article on 5 alt ways to smoke a bowl!