Welcome to another episode of soup for your extremities. Using a slow cooker for anything other than it's intended purpose seems alarmingly grotesque. Why is that? Fuck, no one wants to put their feet where meat has been. Period. Know what the opposite of meat is though? TEAM. As in take one for the team and save our landfills by filling your land with reusable items. Today, instead of throwing away your old meat cooker, you're going to relax and pull up a chair. Throw some wax in and voila...no one is thinking about old meat now (that isn't voluntarily sleeping with an octogenerian.) Sadly, that counts me out.
SLOW COOKER PARAFFIN BATH
First, wash the living F out of your slow cooker. As mentioned before, this is where old meat (and blood) used to live. Also, wipe your memory of that last sentence. Wipe it with bleach and burn it with hydroflouric acid. It's one of the only chemicals that will entirely detroy the DNA of the blood.
Call your friends and tell them about that awesome, funny and unique site DIYrrhea.com
When your friends ask you to defend what exactly you see in DIYrrhea.com, let them know that instead of boring contest where the creators give things away and have helpful content that shows them how to make useful things, the editors rely completely on viewers like you to contribute. Enunciate the "You" when you say that last sentence.
AND THEN THEN
When your friends ask if you are getting paid to promote this site, tell them only if they donate a SUBSTANTIAL amount of cash. Show them where the donation button is on the front page (Act very natural, not like desperate or rushed. Just don't make it weird.)
Add the paraffin wax to the crockpot, crank it up to high until the wax begins to melt. When it is about half melted, turn it to warm until it's all the consistency of warmed paraffin. Stick your feet in and coat them in the blood, I mean WAX! After they are coated you can bring them out to dry and let them sit for ten minutes.
Once your friends have submitted to paying a SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF CASH (Always say dollars, not bucks, it sounds cheap) then you may remove the wax and look at your soft and luxurious feet meat.
Here in Portland, we like to look at the glass as half high. We also like to recycle the fuck out of things. So faced with the crock pot challenge for this week, I incorporate both using and re-using.
DOPE SOAP All measurements are by weight, not volume.
✯ 8 oz (227 g) coconut oil (27.5%)
✯ 16 oz (454 g) olive oil (55%)
✯ 2 oz (57 g) shea butter (7%)
✯ 3 oz (85 g) sunflower oil (10.5%)
✯ 4.05 oz (115 g) lye (6% superfat)
✯ 11 oz (312 g) of herbal tea
After cook time, add:
✯ 1 to 2 tablespoons of cbd oil
✯ 1 to 2 tbsp of your favorite oil
✯ 1/2 tablespoon honey
✯ 1 tablespoon water (to dilute honey so it won’t scorch)
You'll also need
3.5 qt. Crockpot
Stick Blender (preferred)
Long Sleeve Shirt
Next you'll work with your oils. Melt the coconut oil and shea butter together, in a small saucepan. Weigh out the olive and sunflower oil and add directly to your crockpot. Once melted, pour in the coconut oil and shea butter as well. Turn your crock pot on low. (If you have an old crock pot that heats up super slow, then you might want to pre-warm it for ten to fifteen minutes before you start.)
STEP 3: When the oils are at 110 degrees and the lye is 120 degrees, you'll pour the lye into the slow cooker and begin to stir with the stick blender until you reach trace. Trace is when the mixture has gotten thick enough to leave a slight, fleeting imprint when the batter is drizzled across itself.
STEP 4: Once you’ve reached trace, put the lid on your slow cooker and cook the soap for one hour. I like to set my timer and check every fifteen minutes, to make sure things are going okay. Some people like to stir while the soap cooks, I don’t usually do that though.
STEP 5: After cook time, stir well and mix the CBD and any other essential oils you would like. If you don't add any color seeds or dyes the soap will end up white. You may want to throw in some cannabis leaves for looks. The olive oil will give it a slight green tint.
STEP 6: Spoon the soap into your mold. Whatever mold you use, tap it lightly on the counter, to help the hot soap settle in. One downside to crock pot soap is that it’s not as smooth as cold process, so the backs or tops of your soap – depending on your type of mold – will be rough and rustic looking.
STEP 7: Set the molds aside to cool until the next day. Unmold carefully and slice into bars, if using a l oaf mold. The great thing about making soap in your crock pot, is that it’s ready to use right away! However, it will still benefit and last longer if you let it cure in the open air for a few weeks.