A common question I get is "Are these common things people write in their bio's?"
The answer is absolutely not!
How fun would it be to write an article about common things people write in their bio's?
"I'm really into dogs"
...well, I guess that could be taken more ways than one, but generally that statement has a purpose and keeps the dog people away from the rest of us. No, I found some really f*cking freaky and weird things people have written in their bio's so you can say, "Well obviously I should not be including that in my online bio" and chuckle. However, at one point someone did.
Hopefully, none of these are yours.
Thing #1: "I'm pandasexual" (In this context meaning black/white - boy/girl) Is this confusing or is it just downright offensive? Do you want to grope a bear or am I reading too much into this? Maybe when you're trying to activate the senses of a mate don't bring a fish mongering mammalian into the equation, just a suggestion.
Thing #2: "My name is Pathfinder AO, I'm a level 62 cyborg and I belong to the ghost clan" If your cover up is that you're a level 62 cyborg than wtf are you hiding? And never bring up the word clan in a dating profile. It makes people think about The Klan. Now I'm wondering what kind of robot army is about to show up at my house if I respond to this. Swipe left.
Thing #3: "My mom said God doesn't make junk" I'm going to need your mom's phone number because it doesn't take a physicist to see that junk is a compilation of things God has made. A lampshade (and it's components), a seashell, a toaster. You're mom is just saying that cause she made you and obviously you are very junky. I mean who writes the word "Junk" in an ad when they are looking to meet a partner? I'm sorry, did I make you feel bad? Maybe you should go call your mom.
Thing #4: "My dad is my hero" And you are the anti-hero of everybody for saying so. I can think of a million people cooler than your dad, I'm just saying, and I haven't left my room in three months. Popeye, Walt Disney, Hitler. Who's your dad? Yeah, I've never heard of him.
Thing #5: "I'm super organized" You are also super BORING. Are you going to organize my disappointment in order of appearance: Initial letdown, emasculatory resentment, straight pity. If you are so good at tracking time, can you tell me when this is going to be over so I can go on and meet someone interesting?
Thing #6: "I have a Yoga certification and I teach massage" This is redundant. We just assume that all you touchy feely freaks do it all. If you are a reiki instructor, you do singing bowls, if you do singing bowls, you do yodelling chowder. We get it, you've got three eyes and eight arms, you see it all and you behave like an octopus on crack.
Meeting somebody is really simple: Just don't fuck it up. If you find the desire to fuck shit up is just too strong to resist and you feel compelled to write any of these sorts of things, they have companies out there that you can hire to be charming for you. Who knows, maybe even one day they will have a service that will even provide a warm body.
It's summer and you are building the panic room you have always dreamed of. Will it have texture and class? Or will it express the unique and individualistic style you have accumulated through your travels? For some this may mean drop beads over the water supply or a tapestry of Ganesh hiding the stockpiled weapons in the corner. Whatever style you choose one thing is for sure...now is the time to think about styling because some day you'll need that panic for other things like: Bioterrorism, A.I., North Korea, climate change induced rioting and you won't want to have to worry about finding a vaus for the top of that sleek gun metal green bulletproof safe.
STYLE CHOICE NUMERO UNO: Neo Classical
This is like the Matrix meets Beethoven where you've got Ionic and Corinthian style columns lined in black light tape. Bob Marley Posters fill the walls and Nas, maybe a Tupac or two. Grab some nude-ish sculptures controposto Greco Roman style and splash glow and the dark paint and sticky stars all over them. For furniture: Blow up flourescent couches and bean bags! Who says panic can't be fun?!
STYLE CHOICE NUMERO DOS: Girls Just Wanna Have Gun
Panic is deconstructive so this style is going to help us take our power back. The colors of this space are army green and bubble gum pink. We got beds with pink and green camo and the bedboards are made out of guns. We got long mirrors to extend the space and make it look bigger and the mirrors are made out of guns! We got guns lined up on the wall and pictures of powerful girls on the wall like: Tank girl, Dame Judy Dench, Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, Jackie Brown, etc, etc. etc.
STYLE CHOICE NUMERO TRES: Pot of Gold
Gonna need lots of pot to get by this time of pure panic. What if someone is creeping around outside your door? Smoke a little pot and you know you can't do a damn thing about it. This space is going to emulate the Trump towers paradise and yours will be entirely painted gold from floor to cieling since you obs can't afford to buy straight gold. Hopefully, you are packing some gold though because by the time you leave your panic space we might be on the barter system.
STYLE CHOICE QUATRO: Unicorn Unichrome
Unicorns are great, but you are deeper than that. Instead of rainbow unicorns, your space is going to be filled with misty black and white prints of unicorn heads with a slight fog going around them. Your panic room is also only blacks, whites and grays. You are into unicorns, but not in a whimsical fantastical way....you are much more serious. Your furniture is all white. The rugs are white. Everything looks expensive and not for playing around.
Get creative with your panic space. These are four styles, but you can take some remnants from any of your vacations and make shrines to build a motif around. Remember that you might be stuck there for awhile so take some time to design the perfect panic space so that when you aren't stuck in your head you have something to look forward to.
You've explained many times what a safe distance is. You've asked Alexa, you've done Youtube tutorials, you've bought rulers, but your EYEBROWS still don't get it! Unibrows might be the rage now that gender lines are blurring and feminism is an outdated term, but when I think of independence, I think of freedom from a forehead mustache. Ya'll look angry, unsettled and like you got a birdfeeder between your eyes. IMO
I've been told that I do perfect brows...plump, natural and groomed. Those are the three things I am going for. When I say groomed, I just mean the straggly hairs around, I don't mean to make your brows look super boxy. I will let you in on some of the secrets I have come up with on my own to help you socially distance your own brows.
Use Chapstick To Mold Your Eyebrows into Shape. Before you actually wax you can put a little chapstick on your brows to shape them so they are not wildy sticking in every direction. It's hard to know where to wax when you have a snaggle hair pointing downward.
When you wax you'll want to remove the chapstick so the actual wax works. It's worth it to do the chapstick trick though. It literally will show you the shape of your eyebrows and put them right in place.
Do not wax the top of your eyebrows, only the bottom and the area above your nose. You don't need to wax the top of your brow this will end up making it look real weird, I'll just put it that way.
When you draw in your brows afterward use a color the same as your roots. So it doesn't look weird.
If you are toying with trying these ideas, think about your eyebrows and how they feel. They've been trapped together in that tiny space for so long. Don't you think they feel suffocated and like they could use a tiny little break? If you don't like it, you can always lock them back up together later. Maybe it's time to practice some safe distancing on your own face.
When you heard about the "Corona Virus" what was your response? Did you roll up the windows of your car, put on latex gloves and drive through the wall of the liquor store? Panic made you do that. But just like any other diagosis out there, panic gets more complicated. There are several different types of panic personas ranging from aloof to total shitshow. Take a look at these styles so that you can determine just what kind of a stress case you actually are:
Pandemic Panicker - Is everything a global mess to you? When it's not the virus, it's global warming. Before global warming, it was Y2K and prior to that you thought everybody was on cocaine. Do you need to feel like the world is a falling apart so you can have it together? You might be a pandemic panicker.
Manic Panicker - Are you relatively calm most of the time, but now you've suddenly SNAPPED and bought out the toilet paper aisle at Smith's? When you witness car accidents are you the guy that flies out of his car and starts directing traffic with your phone flashlight? Are you fine except the minute anything goes wrong you are a hypervigilant screwball that thinks you are saving humanity, but you really just need to stay out of the crossfire? If so than you might be an MP.
Peter Panicker - You see everyone reacting terribly and your first thought is to rebel. Instead of preparing yourself for what lies ahead, you light up another jay and say "fuckin" every other word talking about everyone else's gross over reactions. You are a virtual child so in effect this type of an adult situation causes you to believe everyone takes themselves waaaay too seriously.
Klanicker - You are riling up troups because you've gone immediately to the worst case scenario. This is bioterrorism, the government and fema are planning to shepherd people into camps and now it's time to stock pile guns, park the RV's into wagon formation and hoard water drums and gas cans. If you've already made plans with at least five others, you have two opposible thumbs and you're this guy.
Mass Panicker - You believe information is power and you are helping mankind by spreading the word. You've got Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter and Blogspace on your side. Each retweet and update you give makes you feel a little bit more in control of the unknown. It is as if you could solve the worlds problems with the press of the "enter" key, but in reality you've keyed up the pedigree of friends and family all the way down the line, into the thousands into believing things are terrible.
Whether you are vigilant, suppressed, easily excitable or just plain influencial one thing is for sure...panic never made anyone look any younger. Please remember this as we procede as a nation because what is living worth if you come out on the other side looking like shit?
The beauty industry DOES NOT want you to know about this secret!!!
For years men and women alike have been struggling with under eye bags. Solana Beach actually outlawed actual plastic bags so now all the tan women walk around with brown bags...under their eyes! Now these women feel like they need to go under the knife and make plastic bags of their own with botox. Say notox to botox and get an actual brown bag! Those are still legal and they don't hold shit for groceries, but they'll get rid of those droopy pudding sacks you're eyes have been dragging around like unemployed Santa's.
Shhhhhhh....I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS AMAZING BEAUTY SECRET THAT STARS HAVE KNOWN ABOUT FOR YEARS! It's simple. You take a brown bag and stick it right the fuck on your head. Yup, right the fuck on there. It's that easy! Poke a couple holes in the front and viola! No bad sacks, only eye holes and beauty hacks. Marshmellow, the famous world renowned DJ wanted a way that he could hide the bags that had developed from the intense strobe lights of the club so he developed a Marshmellow sack to cover his impurities and double as an interesting mask. Way to go Marshmellow!
(Quoting a famous Dr. that was discovered by a rich black lady) "There's some actual truth to this!" (This quote was not intended for use in this article art. 1 Section 8 Clause 8)
Get creative!!!!!!!! Once you've tried out your sack, feel free to grab someone else's sack and give it some serious head. Put that sack right over your face and see just see how fast no one makes a comment about how "tired you look" or how "mangy those rain gutters are" and starts to ask some serious questions like "can I throw my used tampons into your new fashion trend?"
THERE'S NOT MANY OF THESE LEFT!! That's an important comment to make in ANY ARTICLE ABOUT UP and COMING beauty products!!!!!!!! Click on the link here to BUY your new bag for YOUR old BaGs.....#thirstyANDhungry
Welcome to another episode of soup for your extremities. Using a slow cooker for anything other than it's intended purpose seems alarmingly grotesque. Why is that? Fuck, no one wants to put their feet where meat has been. Period. Know what the opposite of meat is though? TEAM. As in take one for the team and save our landfills by filling your land with reusable items. Today, instead of throwing away your old meat cooker, you're going to relax and pull up a chair. Throw some wax in and voila...no one is thinking about old meat now (that isn't voluntarily sleeping with an octogenerian.) Sadly, that counts me out.
SLOW COOKER PARAFFIN BATH
First, wash the living F out of your slow cooker. As mentioned before, this is where old meat (and blood) used to live. Also, wipe your memory of that last sentence. Wipe it with bleach and burn it with hydroflouric acid. It's one of the only chemicals that will entirely detroy the DNA of the blood.
Call your friends and tell them about that awesome, funny and unique site DIYrrhea.com
When your friends ask you to defend what exactly you see in DIYrrhea.com, let them know that instead of boring contest where the creators give things away and have helpful content that shows them how to make useful things, the editors rely completely on viewers like you to contribute. Enunciate the "You" when you say that last sentence.
AND THEN THEN
When your friends ask if you are getting paid to promote this site, tell them only if they donate a SUBSTANTIAL amount of cash. Show them where the donation button is on the front page (Act very natural, not like desperate or rushed. Just don't make it weird.)
Add the paraffin wax to the crockpot, crank it up to high until the wax begins to melt. When it is about half melted, turn it to warm until it's all the consistency of warmed paraffin. Stick your feet in and coat them in the blood, I mean WAX! After they are coated you can bring them out to dry and let them sit for ten minutes.
Once your friends have submitted to paying a SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF CASH (Always say dollars, not bucks, it sounds cheap) then you may remove the wax and look at your soft and luxurious feet meat.
Here in Portland, we like to look at the glass as half high. We also like to recycle the fuck out of things. So faced with the crock pot challenge for this week, I incorporate both using and re-using.
DOPE SOAP All measurements are by weight, not volume.
✯ 8 oz (227 g) coconut oil (27.5%)
✯ 16 oz (454 g) olive oil (55%)
✯ 2 oz (57 g) shea butter (7%)
✯ 3 oz (85 g) sunflower oil (10.5%)
✯ 4.05 oz (115 g) lye (6% superfat)
✯ 11 oz (312 g) of herbal tea
After cook time, add:
✯ 1 to 2 tablespoons of cbd oil
✯ 1 to 2 tbsp of your favorite oil
✯ 1/2 tablespoon honey
✯ 1 tablespoon water (to dilute honey so it won’t scorch)
You'll also need
3.5 qt. Crockpot
Stick Blender (preferred)
Long Sleeve Shirt
Next you'll work with your oils. Melt the coconut oil and shea butter together, in a small saucepan. Weigh out the olive and sunflower oil and add directly to your crockpot. Once melted, pour in the coconut oil and shea butter as well. Turn your crock pot on low. (If you have an old crock pot that heats up super slow, then you might want to pre-warm it for ten to fifteen minutes before you start.)
STEP 3: When the oils are at 110 degrees and the lye is 120 degrees, you'll pour the lye into the slow cooker and begin to stir with the stick blender until you reach trace. Trace is when the mixture has gotten thick enough to leave a slight, fleeting imprint when the batter is drizzled across itself.
STEP 4: Once you’ve reached trace, put the lid on your slow cooker and cook the soap for one hour. I like to set my timer and check every fifteen minutes, to make sure things are going okay. Some people like to stir while the soap cooks, I don’t usually do that though.
STEP 5: After cook time, stir well and mix the CBD and any other essential oils you would like. If you don't add any color seeds or dyes the soap will end up white. You may want to throw in some cannabis leaves for looks. The olive oil will give it a slight green tint.
STEP 6: Spoon the soap into your mold. Whatever mold you use, tap it lightly on the counter, to help the hot soap settle in. One downside to crock pot soap is that it’s not as smooth as cold process, so the backs or tops of your soap – depending on your type of mold – will be rough and rustic looking.
STEP 7: Set the molds aside to cool until the next day. Unmold carefully and slice into bars, if using a l oaf mold. The great thing about making soap in your crock pot, is that it’s ready to use right away! However, it will still benefit and last longer if you let it cure in the open air for a few weeks.
It's winter and as the cold front rolls in so does a new shipment of crack cocaine from wherever crack cocaine comes from. You may be living in a big city where crackheads tend to commune and think to yourself "How can I get my hands in some dirty fingerless gloves this season." Well, you are in luck! You don't have to be a crackhead to dress like one. And if you are new to crack, you might not know exactly how to fit in the scene so we're here to help guide you through the crackhead trends for this winter and how you can achieve them all on your own.
GARBAGE CAN FIRES — Perfect for under an overpass or down a dark alley, a garbage can fire can help cast a warm glow onto your already lit expression. Great for a night with “friends” or huddling alone with perceived spirits these recepticles will be a focal point this winter.
SNAGGLE TOOF — A tooth is a straight tooth, a toof is that one straggler right in front that seems to be going in several directions at once. It doesn’t matter if it’s Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter the snaggle never goes out of style. Most people assume this is from a pipe or a birth defect. No, this look is most easily achieved by getting into a bum fight or hitting your tooth on a 40 oz.
FINGERLESS GLOVES — Nothing says hot-cold like a moody crackhead freaking out at a 7–11 and then asking politely for a free cup of coffee. That’s why the fingerless gloves are a perfect accessory. They keep you warm while also letting in the cool air. Since you are breathing more rapidly than usually, well, so should your fingers! This look can be attained by taking a regular pair of dollar store gloves, burning them, biting them and sucking them to shreds.
DIRTY BEANIE — There’s plenty of places to procure a new beanie…homeless shelters, hospitals and community centers to name a few…but you don’t want one of those. Old trash beanies are the trend for this winter so find yourself a dumpster, a headlamp and a sack cause you’re going to need some serious determination.
Being a crackhead this year is all about getting creative and having fun with intermittent bouts of hostile aggression, paranoia and zoning out. Fill in all of the transitional gaps with your very own scavenger hunt for the holidays as you locate the above stated trends and keep it a hundred percent.
Ding, ding, ding...in this corner, you have collagen pills, supplements and peptides. Some can be pricey, some can be a pain in the butt to swallow and some contain various forms of collagen from cow hides, chicken feet and other animal bi-products. In the other corner you have your basic bone broth that can take fifty years to make, isn't conveniently made or traveled with, yet can be eaten with a multitude of things (oatmeal, smoothies, etc.) So which one is better?
First off, both broth AND supplements can be purchased. There is a company called Bonafide that sells quality bone broth. If you deep dive Google you'll find many companies like this so it's not like you have to baby the broth yourself for the 18-24 recommended hours it takes to make. If broth wasn't readily available at Whole Foods or other such markets that would definitely be a down side, but that is not the case.
Seeing as how both forms of collagen are readily available we'll take a look at other ways these proteins differ.
Digestion: According to the Mayo clinic the best way to get nutrients is through our food. On their website it states:
"Supplements aren't intended to substitute for food. They can't replicate all of the nutrients and benefits of whole foods, such as fruits and vegetables. Whole foods offer three main benefits over dietary supplements:
Some supplements come with risks because of the way our body processes them. They don't always go where they are intended. In this major way, bone broth is the best way to deliver collagen amino acids.
Sources: Bone broth typically is extracted from chicken or beef. Supplements on the other hand come from many different sources and thus present a wider array of health beneifts. For instance some supplements contain undenatured collagen which is a type that is processed without heat. There are 28 forms of collagen that have been identified, the majority coming from what they term I, II and III. Supplements contain many more types than a single source broth and so in this way the pill might be a better way to go.
Proven Results: There is actually a lot more research regarding the health benefits of supplementing collagen proteins vs. eating soup. These results include hair, skin and nail regrowth. It also helps with bones and tendons and your natural gut flora. However, if you look at cultures that eat bone broth based soups regularly the results are visible if not quantifiable. This is research you can do yourself. Try a month of eating broth on the reg and see if your nails get solid. Do the same with a 30-day supplement. In my experience collagen peptides type II from denatured sources worked the best.
I don't know if there is such a thing as a collagen overdose or what that might look like, but my research shows that while it's always better to consume nutrients that are bioavailable, it doesn't hurt to add supplementation especially if it is something we either can't get from our food or it's too time consuming to bother. In this way, if you are trying to get a boost of these proteins that our bodies tend to produce less of as we get older you might want to try a pot of soup a week and a three times a day supplement that comes from a source you can't get through your personal bone collection.
You've got all these scrap lipsticks around that you either didn't use, used too much and now they are just a nub or didn't like the color to begin with and they're littering the bottom of your makeup bag. If you leave them too long I guarantee they'll be leaving streaks on your good clothes and melting to the sides of tube where you'll never get them out.
Use them now! Don't make this another DIY disaster where you read something, think "that's a good idea" and then go on to eat pork rinds and watch CSI. Grab all your lipsticks. Yes, now! This is easy. We're not going to over complicate it and we're not going to use anything difficult. All you need are your old lipsticks, some butter or oil, a baggy and a microwave.
Load up the baggy with the colors you want and nuke them for 30 seconds. This will liquify the colors together. Feel free to remix and add more of one color or another. You''ll want to use one of the old caps to stick the baggy in so it will mold the lipstick as it dries. Once it is dry, pull the bag out and cut to a preferred size. Use one of the old lipstick bases to insert your tube into.
Voila! You are a magician's apprentice! Now apply the lipstick and make sure to give yourself a kiss.