We're leaving our meth summer fashion behind as we steer our stolen BMX bikes into colder temperatures. Whereas summer had us in cut off jorts and grocery carts, fall will have us in more garbage bag ponchos and tin foil hats. Strike up your conspiracy theories cause false flags aren't just a government scheme, they're the designs on your blankets and NRA hats you'll be finding at second hand stores everywhere this season.
GARBAGE BAG PONCHOS:
Who needs a real poncho when you can find one that works just as well right in the garbage! I'm sorry, did I say in the garbage? I meant you can make it out of garbage. That's right, you'll be totes incognito as you walk the earth like the living dead in this cape with a hood that is totally recyclable!
TIN FOIL HATS
There's a lot of people that are trying to tap into your frequency, who doesn't understand that? Protect your frequency with this easy hand made DIY concoction. You'll need roughly five feet of foil which you'll fold in half for extra layered effect. Than wrap the folded 2.5 feet around your head overlapping the sides. You'll want to crunch the excess foil on top to keep it together and also to make a handle for easily getting it on and off.
Since there is a surplus of MAGA merch floating around and irony makes for great fashion, you'll want to scoop up a handful at your landfill. Trump has made the divide even greater between the extremely rich and the homeless, making your neighborhood tent station prime real estate. Make America Great Again by showing your support.
Even more than clothing, attitude is what it's really all about this fall. In summer, exercising a relaxed manipulation by accumulating favors and things with the illusion of kindness was the trend. This fall if you aren't saying "What are you looking at?" or "I'm gonna kill you" several times a day than you aren't in the know.
Hopefully, these tips will help you SPEED into fall with aggression, style and American Pride.
You ever think those questions, what if you were to get stranded on a desert island or lost in a jungle..and then panic because you know you wouldn't have any of your beauty products. I know. What if you were forced to go on "Naked and Afraid" because we lived in some totalitarian "Hunger Games" dystopia, how would you accentuate your eyes?! My point is, it's good to know how to do things from scratch in case shit hits the fan. Vinegar is great for cleaning shit off fans, so there's that. But one thing you might now not already is how you are going to have smooth, sexy legs in the wild. Let me tell you, honey.
Honey Hair Wax
2 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp water
pieces of cloth
This stuff really, really works so be careful. Nuke these ingredients for 30-35 seconds until it starts to bubble a little. When it cools a bit you'll want to spread in the desired area against the grain. Peel off just like wax and voila you'll have Sasquatch asking you for a spare.
Most of us don't have money to go to the spa, but we have time. If we were spending more of that time making money we could go to the spa, but who wants to do that?
There are really only three steps to making a serious load of combinations as far as bath salts go. Oil, sugar/salt and essential oil. With just those three ingredients you can mix and match a number of luxurious scrubs that often come out way better than anything you'd pay a reasonable amount for at the store.
Here are just a few examples:
See how easy that recipe is. Get creative it's just Sugar/Salt + Oil + scented oil. You can throw in herbs as well if you want to step it up, you know dress it up a little.
Have you ever dipped your fingers in wax and then pulled them out? They are super smooth to the touch! So why wouldn't it do that to your face? It does! The other great thing is that it waxes the places you want hair removed in a gentle way. I wouldn't rely on this method for hair removal exclusively, it's more for the smooth feel after a facial. The other great thing is that is just peels right off. You don't have a bunch of gunk sticking to places around your nose. It literally comes right TF off.
What you do:
Put wax on your face, it's that easy! Dip your fingers in warm candle wax and then quickly apply to your face. It's a super weird sensation. I can only assume that for it to have even more benefit you could use a candle that has bees wax and essential oils. Number one: because bees wax is used for hair removal and is organic. Number two: because the oils are naturally moisturizing to your skin. A few scented candles that might be ideal are lavender, pomegranate seed oil and sandalwood. Lavender is great for redness, puffiness and is an anti-inflammatory. Sandalwood is good for really dry skin and has a calming effect. Pomegranate is good for anti-aging and some other shit I can't remember.
You know you're bored and dying to try something new that doesn't involve getting up. This DIY beauty is perfect for that DTTSNTDIGU attitude! Plus it's like a total Lumiere throwback, Beauty and the Beast mfer's.
Just cause you're homeless doesn't mean you have to look like a pioneer that walked onto the set of Mad Max. Yes, of course you might be on crack, herin or meth and your high is tainting your style choices. That is why I am writing this article. Ya'll look cray.
Here's some simple ways to hustle a look so ya'll just feel cray...you don't look it. Believe it or not you'll make A LOT more panhandling if you don't look scarier than that little rat dog you have tied to a nearby post.
1: 2 Good pairs of jeans, an expensive hoodie, nice pair of shoes: Steal, beg or borrow. Salvation army and Goodwill have clothing vouchers. 211 has leads on stuff like that too. Even the richest of people have these staples, but in your life you can pass for having money and being "normal" while you are also maintaining utility. Being homeless gets cold!
2: Do your laundry and shower: Truck stops have showers you can use for free if you hit up the drivers for their vouchers. Laundry is $4 a week that you can easily score at the laundry mat. See if there is a plasma center nearby and you can recoup this money and do something productive while your clothes are goin'. Hygene is a must for being glamsient.
3: Free coffee: There are ways to get high tech Starbucks espresso's and a cup of coffee for signing up for things online (Starbucks does a birthday deal) or downloading the app for that particular coffee shop. If you're really scandalous you can duplicate the stamps the company does or complain about your last sucky coffee...whatever you have to do. Can't call yourself a glamsient if you don't have a designer coffee!
4: Hair: At least in my city of Portland there are lots of places that do free haircuts for the homeless. 211 is a good source for this kind of stuff. A pair of clippers with scissors is 10$ and guaranteed you can find someone within a half mile that "claims" they know how to cut hair and wants to prove it. You can always trial and "hair-or" try and do it yourself. Youtube has plenty of tutorials which I've put to good use. As far as color, discount markets where stuff has gone to close out prices can be amazing!
5: Makeup and Nails: Now we are moving past the basics into the luxuries. Now that you look aight, it's possible to walk into a department store, get a little squirt of perfume, ask for some skincare samples and set a time for a make over. You can skip around town as many department stores do these including Sephora and Ulta. All these shops have sections where you can do it yourself as well...as long as you look kinda "normal". Investing in a gel nail lamp is the best money I've ever spent. For $40 on Amazon you can get a whole kit that last months, plus the next time you need product you have the lamp and it's about $10. $10 to have beautiful gel nails for months is like buying a kid in Africa 20 cups of coffee.
Now you look and smell great. You look normal enough to get a job, but pleased enough with your hustle that you never will!
Speaking of soft cells, sometimes I feel I've got to run away from the compounding cellulite I experience on my arms, thighs and butt. Gross. And also, there will prob be no running...that's most likely what caused the issue in the first place. There is research out there supporting the claim that massage can help reduce cellulite by improving lymphatic drainage. It's not always comfortable massaging ourselves in public (there are also certain charges that might apply to that and I ain't talkin' bout credit cards). Since the bath works as far as totally appropriately places to massage yourself naked you may as well grab a bar of soap to apply the kind of pressure you'll need to rub those suckers and get clean in the meantime. Kill two birds with one soap. Don't throw your soap at birds though.
The beauty industry DOES NOT want you to know about this secret!!!
For years men and women alike have been struggling with under eye bags. Solana Beach actually outlawed actual plastic bags so now all the tan women walk around with brown bags...under their eyes! Now these women feel like they need to go under the knife and make plastic bags of their own with botox. Say notox to botox and get an actual brown bag! Those are still legal and they don't hold shit for groceries, but they'll get rid of those droopy pudding sacks you're eyes have been dragging around like unemployed Santa's.
Shhhhhhh....I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS AMAZING BEAUTY SECRET THAT STARS HAVE KNOWN ABOUT FOR YEARS! It's simple. You take a brown bag and stick it right the fuck on your head. Yup, right the fuck on there. It's that easy! Poke a couple holes in the front and viola! No bad sacks, only eye holes and beauty hacks. Marshmellow, the famous world renowned DJ wanted a way that he could hide the bags that had developed from the intense strobe lights of the club so he developed a Marshmellow sack to cover his impurities and double as an interesting mask. Way to go Marshmellow!
(Quoting a famous Dr. that was discovered by a rich black lady) "There's some actual truth to this!" (This quote was not intended for use in this article art. 1 Section 8 Clause 8)
Get creative! Once you've tried out your sack, feel free to grab someone else's sack and give it some serious head. Put that sack right over your face and see just see how fast no one makes a comment about how "tired you look" or how "mangy those rain gutters are" and starts to ask some serious questions like "can I throw my used tampons into your new fashion trend?"
THERE'S NOT MANY OF THESE LEFT!! That's an important comment to make in ANY ARTICLE ABOUT UP and COMING beauty products!!!!!!!! Click on the link here to BUY your new bag for YOUR old BaGs.....#thirstyANDhungry
As we all know eating food can actually add to undesirable results like being an average weight for your height. However, food can also be very useful like in the following masks I've included below. Masks are great for conditioning or tightening skin, also for hiding your true feelings from escaping out your face.
Any combination of these ingredients can be placed on your mask before you put it on your face. For the yogurt you can actually heat the yogurt mixture, soften the rice paper IN IT and then apply it to your skin.
There are several key things about contouring that can turn a tutorial look into a tutol disaster look. In this article we are going to cover those points so that when you drop your new look, the producer of the Lion King Musical might just pick you up…even if it’s just playing an extra!
First, you’ll want to make sure to use a foundation two shades darker than your own skin.
It actually helps if you can convince yourself that everyone else just thinks you’re tan. You’ve fooled them all and the only one in on the secret is you. This will give you the confidence you need to parade around looking like you’re ready to slay life as well as Giraffes, Antelopes and Zebras.
Secondly, you’ll want to throw shade on the areas of your face you’d like redefined.
Grab a brown that is roughly two to ten shades darker than your skin (or just make up a number…get it? Make up!) and paint it on your cheek bones, under your chin and down the sides of your nose. You are now one step closer to one of those casting directors saying “Hey, what is the matter with your face?!”
Thirdly, you’ll want to highlight the areas you want to really stick out.
Grab a sponge and pretend you’re Picasso cause by the end of this you won’t know where your other eye is at. You’ll want to make sure to get the forehead, cheekbones and down the front of the nose. The nose is important because without it, you might look like you have a real person’s nose. You’ll want to get it as white as possible…feel free to use straight up zinc oxide so not only are you protecting your skin from breathing, but also from the harmful UV rays of the sun.
Lastly, don’t blend.
Now that you have your dramatic juxtaposition of light and dark, you have the perfect lion look. You were already afraid to apply this complex makeup, then you were afraid you’d applied to much and now you are afraid to blend and look like an out-of-work drag queen. With this article we’ve addressed those worries and made it so that you can say you did it all on purpose.
Now when you look in the mirror to sing “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?” you can truly answer "Not really."
If you’re downtown in just about any city you might see a few guys in cut off jorts standing around a shady tree with their BMX bikes and cell phones in hand and think “Geez, how can I get all these cool piles of garbage bags strapped together with a million bungee cords?!” Here are some of the tweaker accessories you can do ALL yourself for Summer 2019.
Custom Bike with Shit Attachment
Ever laid your eyes on one of these babies? No, you haven’t cause no two are alike. Each bike seems to rival the next on how much crap can be literally strapped on to a baby carrier. All you need to make your own is a stolen bike, a stolen baby carrier and a bunch of shit. It’s easy!
This look never seems to go out of style. First you’ll need a dumpy RV or a tent with a million tarps and bungee cords. Next you’ll need a fuckload of grocery carts or bikes. Place the grocery carts outside the tent or RV randomly as if they blew onto the scene in a jet pack.
This one is pretty straight forward. If your newly acquired trap house doesn’t have its own matching set of broken blinds what you’ll want to do is set some regular generic blinds up and every fifteen minutes pace over and erratically spread them apart looking for cops, the CIA, Russian spies, probation officers and nosy neighbors. Do this for about a month and the blinds will begin to set. Soon you’ll be able to go outside (but won’t) and see the difference.
You’d think with such attainable trends it would eliminate jealousy and competition among your peers, but beware there will always be a bitch out there cutting you down cause you and your tiny dog look more anorexic then her and your boyfriend is under-the-table mechanic that owns his own Aerostar van with five different color doors welded on. In the real world you’re a highly dysfunctional and unsanitary junkie that everyone wishes would get long term psychiatric help, but in the meth world every street side curb is a runway for you to flaunt your saggy skin like a bankrupt Paris Hilton…on meth.