Ever since you turned into a zombie, you've noticed a change in your behaviors: You never sleep, you've become disinterested in regular tasks/conversations and you have an insatiable desire to eat brains.
If we are what we eat like the experts say then how come you're not trying out for Jeopardy any time soon?
Brains need lots of energy for starters. If you are going to be feasting 24/7 your brain is going to need fuel in the form of either sugars or fats to keep your walking dead ass going. Since sugars are out of the question (ew gross!) you're going to need to need lots of fat just to exist short of getting ahead of the feasting game.
Fortunately, brains are the fattiest organ in the human body. Unfortunately, the ratio of water to fat is pretty high. Made up of 75% water the organ only provides a small amount of meat that gets digested into polyunsaturate fats that you can use. This means in order to get your fat content high enough that your body is able to saunter 5 miles per hour, groaning and feasting you need to eat more than 30 brains a day!
So in the future try getting your brain consumption higher than the 30 bpd (brains per day) so that one day you might have enough restored brain function to read this article or, you know, think about your lifestyle choices.
You've heard of intermitent fasting I'm sure. Long ago, in a town far, far away (somewhere in the bible), the concept of "just fasting" came about. I'm sure I have the same questions everyone else does about this. If Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights then why didn't anyone ever write about how skinny he was? Kind of makes you question the Bible as a whole doesn't it? If I've learned anything from TMZ, it's that when someone's appearance changes, we know about it. But even if the bible is fake, I know for a fact you can lose weight if you substract a few key ingredients from your menus and those ingredients are: food.
Oprah says kick the bread, Atkins says kick the carbs, I say hire some guys, haul your refrigerator out and tear down your cupboards. I'm not a nutritionist and I'm not a doctor, but I do have a food handlers permit. What this means is that I've been trained to believe food is very unsafe. Food is fickle, it's got a window that you can open, but the spring is broken and if you try and climb out of it, it will slam on the back of your neck like a guillotine. I only know that word because it's one of my frequent searches and Google likes to suggest all kinds of related products like hotlines for homicide prevention.
I developed this diet while I was lounging in my Fortnite Loot Llama onesie pajamas watching "Naked and Afraid" thinking about how I would like to go on the show just to lose a few pounds. If you've ever watched the show you can see that no one catches food and people lose weight really fast! That lead me to the conclusion that humans can apply their uselessness for a good cause: being skinny.
This diet is simple, you just set your goal, don't eat, obsess over what your not eating every second of the day in silent anguish, wait while your body feeds off your muscle and begins to absolve itself from the inside out, your organs shut down weakening your ability to perform simple tasks and eventually you die. Soon enough you'll be too weak to get up let alone lift a chip into your mouth. The diet literally pays for itself! And you will look great in your coffin!
There's only one more word of advice I have before launching you into a new resolution and way of life....
DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
Hi Preciouses's, Kemper here and I am ready to train you to cook like a baller. This recipe is so easy and I always, always get compliments on it. Otherwise known as "German Stew" this sausage and cabbage blend creates a salty and fatty flavorful broth that is great for winter months. You know sometimes I like dumbing down my recipes for the shopping impaired and for this soup you may actually use hot dogs if it's all you got. Use less water if you're throwing in franks and plenty of cabbage. You know what else...old wives tale says cabbage water gets rid of ulcers. Then I tried it and had such bad gas that I completely forgot about the bloody sore on the inner lining of my stomach. It was awesome!
What You Will Need
1 Sausage Kielbasa (For best results) or 4 Bars Franks
1/2 Head of cabbage
3 Carrots chopped
3 Potatoes chopped
AND of course 1 crock pot
Fill the crock pot 3/4 full of water. Chop up your onions, potatoes and carrots and throw them in. Next you'll want to cut up the cabbage and throw it in. Set the temperature for high and leave for three hours. The last hour you'll want to cook the sausage or hot dogs with it.
This meal creates four servings unless you are a total pig that doesn't have any personal gage on what you're shovelling into your mouth and at what quantity. Easy Augustus, save some for later.
With the ease of the crock pot, you can stash anything you have left over right in the ceramic, right in the fridge.
Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to my juice/soup/food/badvice column. Today I am hoping that I can help you achieve the drunk you desire while adding an exciting twist that might help with your post drinking hangover. Fresh juice and lemons and limes in particular are said to provide vitamin C which helps with immunity, maintaining collagen levels and absorption of iron among many other things. All of which drinking effects adversely. This recipes is the easiest of any additive or mixer and literally anyone can do it.
You only need 4 ingredients: Water, Sugar, Lemons and Limes
The ratio is as follows:
For every lemon you will juice a half a lime. After you juice that lemon/lime quantity, you will want to make simple syrup on the stove by heating up 1 cup of water and 1 cup of sugar over medium high heat. Once dissolved you simply add the warm liquid to the lemon/lime, throw in the fridge and use when cold. You may also add in a quarter grapefruit to the mixture for added flavor.
C, very easy!
Now you are ready to add a 4:1 for a whiskey sour or a margarita.
Come back for more and check out Performance Lab for other hangover helping habits.
What You'll Need:
2 Cups Rice
3 Cups Water
1/2 Cup Rice Vinegar
1/4 Cup Sugar
2 Sushimi grade Ahi Tuna steaks
The rice is very particular and must be made in the order that I explain here. First, you'll want to wash the rice. My roommate from Vietnam showed me how to spin the rice in some water with my hand and then strain it. Repeat three times or until water is no longer cloudy. Add the rice to some water in a pot on the stove, bring to a boil, put a lid on and let steam over low heat for about 20 minutes. Inside a separate sauce pan heat the vinegar and dissolve the sugar. When the rice is done, dump it out onto a cookie sheet and fold in the vinegar/sugar mixture. Your rice should be sticky and ball up when squished together.
Put the baggy over your hand and scoop out a ball of rice. You are going to use the plastic to shape the ball after you fill it. Add the cut toppings and then with baggy and rice in hand squish it into ball shape. The contents will be secure in the middle and instead of the reg sushi, you'll have sushi balls. Nothing says America like balls.
Stay tuned for next week where I will Bake America Great Again. Have a great one!
I've personally had a lot of psychic encounters this year. From knowing when someone is going to call all the way to having dreams where I was visited from people who passed away, I started to wonder about ESP and if there was anything I could do to increase the likelihood of these occurrences.
It's become increasingly common knowledge that foods (down to their cellular level) have different frequencies. Our brainwaves also function at different frequencies. For instance when we sleep or smoke pot, typically our brain is in a Beta state. From what I have read, shamans, psychics and monks when meditating or performing a reading, are shown to have Theta, Delta and even Gamma waves. These waves are measured by EEG's and quantified in Hz. The slower the frequency in Hz, the more a person resembles something like Christ, honestly: Non-judgmental, compassionate, loving and intuitive. My research also showed that the higher frequency the food, the easier it was to attain these higher frequency states of mind.
So here's a little insight into higher frequency foods with an emphasis on where they came from...i.e. was it a loving farm, were they fed well, how close to the earth is it (without pesticides, fungicides and preservatives).
PSYCHIC SUPER FOODS GENERAL RULES:
Alive vs. Dead: Heat causes nutrients in food to die. To increase your own vibration eat uncooked fruits, vegetables, grains, nuts and even raw fish that possess live energy.
Meat vs. Plants: Interestingly enough suffering is stored in all creatures just like well-being and contentment. If you eat a creature that suffered it's life or death that energy will go into your system. Most of my research pointed to an all vegan diet due to the suffering of animals going to slaughter, however, research also shows that plants suffer their last moment and undergo stress sensing the mere intention of being picked.
New vs. Old: Food that is expired or old is obviously not going to contain as many vitamins and nutrients as food that has just been picked, juiced or processed. Once a plant is picked it begins to decompose at the cellular level so the quicker from garden to table the more energy you will receive from consumption.
I'm talking about diet in terms of energy. Not just energy to run a race, but intention and the ability to communicate with the universe and tune into the collective. For my personal experiment I will be eating all organic, but phase one I'm going to be consuming organic meat as well. In the future I will try a vegan diet and see if there is any change in my extrasensory perception.
Stay tuned for the results!
What's this? Medicine can be colorful and tasty like candy? Yes, that's the message we are sending today. If you've ever had a hard time getting your kids to take vitamins this is the perfect decoy. Everybody loves Jell-O, but the bigger question here is....are vitamin's food? I don't see why not. You put them in your mouth and they go where the food goes. Is anyone gonna argue with that logic? Put it in the comments...
VITAMIN JELL-O SHOTS
12 Jell-O shot containers
12 packets of Emergent-C Kids
1 Packet of Jell-O
Cut off the top off all the Emergen-C's and add the powder to the Jell-O powder in a bowl. Add one cup of boiling water to the mixture and stir until dissolved. Once dissolved add 1 cup of cold water. Arrange cups on a cookie sheet and pour 2 oz into each one. Store in fridge for several hours until they are ready to be enjoyed!
Think of all the wonderful things about this: It's a snack, it's fat free, it's filled with vitamin's and it can easily be carried in your purse. Take it to the park, to church, to the store...kids won't even know they are getting their daily balance of all that good shit they need.
Nothin' says America like taking a cultural dish, throwing some shit on it and claiming it as our own. In my MAGA recipes I highly suggest you steer away from the use of organic vegetables. I don't call them pesticides, fungicides or herbacides...I call that flavor.
What You'll Need
1 Pasilla pepper (pronounced in this recipe as "Pass-ill-uh")
1/4 cup cream cheese
pinch of salt & pepper
You'll want to roast the pepper first off for 40 minutes. I usually do five or six at a time and freeze the ones I don't use for later. Slice the roasted pepper into strips and set aside. Beat the three eggs together with salt and pepper. Add the cream cheese in mini-chunks to the egg mixture. You'll now want to start heating up a pan at medium heat. Cover the pan in butter, lots of it. When the butter starts to bubble, you'll add the egg mixture and the peppers. Scramble them with a spatula and remove from heat once they are the consistency you like.
Bwenos Stillas and enjoy!
You might start out crying from the onions, but you'll end up crying from the beautiful dish you cannot get enough of. This is essench a Pico de Gallo with strawberry's added to it. Supremely easy and great with a number of thing including fish.
Not everyone knows, but Oregon strawberry's are thee best on the planet. Myth has it that they were delivered by UFO's, dropped into magic manure, pissed on by a Pegasus and sprouted by Fey fertilizer. Any strawberry's you can get will work, just sayin'.
PICO DE FRESAS
2 Cups of chopped strawberry's
2 Cups of chopped tomatoes
1 Chopped red onion
1-2 chopped jalapenos (depending on hot hot you like it)
2 Garlic cloves
1 Bunch of Cilantro
4 limes juiced
Salt to taste
Once you chop all of the fruits and veggies you'll toss together in the juice of the limes. Add salt to taste and then leave in the fridge to marinate.
This juice is a great marinade for chicken, but it can be used as a chutney over Halibut, Ahi tuna or Tilapia. Hell, it's good enough to just dip some tortillas chips into. Add beer to your mouth for flavor!
I'm not a huge baker which begs the question "Why the hell am I writing a cooking column?!" Cooking is as much about improvising as it is about following directions so with that I'm as qualified as the next person. Zways, I've made cupcakes once in my life and as such I had little on hand as far as accessories. Now that I have made them, however, I know that it takes some build up or rising action if you will aka "planning". There are the raw ingredients like flour, baking powder and flavoring, but also the cupcake pans, the paper and ALL of the piping accessories. The only suggestion I saw as a piping hack was the old Ziploc bag one. I didn't have a Ziploc baggy to cut the end of so I ended up using latex gloves. I used the hard rubber yellow kind (A new pair mind you). They worked fantastic, I would even suggest better than a baggy would because it holds its shape.
Here's what you do....Use the pointer finger as the frosting tip, cut a hole in the tip of the finger. Next, you'll tie the three fingers and thumb together so the frosting doesn't get tempted to go into those sockets. Now you'll put frosting in and make sure there's enough you'll be able to apply pressure to get it moving. If you have frosting tips, these are even solid enough they would probably hold in the caps.
I've never seen anyone else try this so I hope it works for you....toodle doo!
From making complete hungover shit piles to simply taking pictures of food and then throwing it away, I seek to aid with even the most nonsensical of food and beverage absurdities.
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