You've heard of intermitent fasting I'm sure. Long ago, in a town far, far away (somewhere in the bible), the concept of "just fasting" came about. I'm sure I have the same questions everyone else does about this. If Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights then why didn't anyone ever write about how skinny he was? Kind of makes you question the Bible as a whole doesn't it? If I've learned anything from TMZ, it's that when someone's appearance changes, we know about it. But even if the bible is fake, I know for a fact you can lose weight if you substract a few key ingredients from your menus and those ingredients are: food.
Oprah says kick the bread, Atkins says kick the carbs, I say hire some guys, haul your refrigerator out and tear down your cupboards. I'm not a nutritionist and I'm not a doctor, but I do have a food handlers permit. What this means is that I've been trained to believe food is very unsafe. Food is fickle, it's got a window that you can open, but the spring is broken and if you try and climb out of it, it will slam on the back of your neck like a guillotine. I only know that word because it's one of my frequent searches and Google likes to suggest all kinds of related products like hotlines for homicide prevention.
I developed this diet while I was lounging in my Fortnite Loot Llama onesie pajamas watching "Naked and Afraid" thinking about how I would like to go on the show just to lose a few pounds. If you've ever watched the show you can see that no one catches food and people lose weight really fast! That lead me to the conclusion that humans can apply their uselessness for a good cause: being skinny.
This diet is simple, you just set your goal, don't eat, obsess over what your not eating every second of the day in silent anguish, wait while your body feeds off your muscle and begins to absolve itself from the inside out, your organs shut down weakening your ability to perform simple tasks and eventually you die. Soon enough you'll be too weak to get up let alone lift a chip into your mouth. The diet literally pays for itself! And you will look great in your coffin!
There's only one more word of advice I have before launching you into a new resolution and way of life....
DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
From making complete hungover shit piles to simply taking pictures of food and then throwing it away, I seek to aid with even the most nonsensical of food and beverage absurdities.
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