Three months ago I joined a twelve step group online because I have some issues with some, we won't say the specifics, substances. Yes, I wandered in by way of clicks and before I knew it I was watching people share on a screen front and center, but chatting with one of the moderators who asked if I needed help. I clicked on his profile only to find a dashing Canadian with the body of Thor (but he wasn't so vain he had the shirt lifted by one hand in the mirror look). Yes, I did need help. Soon we were chatting daily, sometimes he was a shoulder to lean on, other times we referenced people sharing and made tiny inside jokes. These nudges led to phone exchanges and soon enough I was in a full fledged online romance.
I'm here to share some of the tactics I used to land this hottie:
JOIN A 12 STEP GROUP: Surely in this day in age there is something you are addicted to. Maybe it's drinking, maybe it's gaming, maybe it's relationships. Whichever of these it may be, one thing is for sure, joining a group of people with that same addiction is sure to up your chances of getting addicted to eachother.
TRANSFERRENCE: I took all that juju that I was holding in and storing that I usually busted out with a drink or twelve and used it to pop his personality open like a glass bottle of Miller High Life. Who needs a drink when there's a hot Canadian just a button away? You can try this too. Take whatever obsession you are secretly harboring and just shift it ever so slightly onto a person of your choosing.
DENIAL: I could hear people in the room sharing about how sobriety was number one and nothing should come before it so you can imagine the kind of denial I needed to muster to keep this flame going. But I was willing to do it, all in the name of love. Make sure you stand up for yourself and let love conquer all, when those people tell you to put your recovery first...tell them love has cured you!
MANIPULATION: It's really nice when you are going out with someone in the rooms because then you actually have a reason to share authentic and profound wisdom to pseudo help strangers. Then the object of your affection gets to see you performing these duties thus falling even more deeply in love with you.
EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY: Telling him that I loved him on the first phone call probably wasn't smart, but Oh well! I'm sure everything will work out cause if it doesn't I'm going to fucking kill myself. I hope that you can be better at this part and by better I mean lay it all on the line immediately.
There's a little saying in the step meetings, it's called thirteen steppin'. That is when you go after dating someone from a support group. So, my little 13 steppers, good luck with your addictions! And I hope you get some help with whatever you are struggling with as well!
If you've ever looked at a vibrating tool and thought, "Wow, I could make a vibrator out of that" than you are already in the mindset to become a DIY officionado. That is literally all it takes AND follow through. Since I'm constantly thinking about vibrators, I see these things all of the time. Here are three ideas for an at home vibration system so that you can have a completely self-sufficient sex life (at least until things return to a semblance of normalcy).
THE TOOTHBRUSH: Oral-B has a vibrating toothbrush for around 10 dollars that is definitely cheaper than anything you'd buy online. Maybe you already have one. Ultra sonic, Philips, Soniclean, Emerson and tons more brands have something similar. Some people (I've heard :) ) Take these and flip them around so that they insert the soft part and call it good. If you want though you can add a tip with a hot glue gun.
What you do is take the hot glue gun and keep adding layers until you get a shape you want. I suggest making it as smooth and round as possible, at first, and then adding ridges if you like.
RAZOR: The razors that vibrate usually have blades/heads that click right off. Now obviously we don't want to use a razor that has the blade in tact. These razors are typically just as cheap as toothrushes running around the 10 to 15 dollars range. If it's not conveniently in your bath tub, at least it is cheaper than ordering something online. Once the head/razor is removed it will leave a nub. If you have a cap from a tube of lipstick or a rounded mascara lid, you can hot glue gun that over the nub. And voila you have your makeshift pursesize vibrational tool.
BUILDING YOUR OWN: If you are tech savvy than maybe you have some wires lying around and want to try to physically build one. You can remove a DC motor with the plastic gear attached from a tape player, a VCR, printer, etc. You'll also need some solder, a soldering iron, an alligator clip, pvc pipe and some putty. You'll attach the alligator clip to the top and bottom of the plastic gear. A vibrating motor is just a motor with the weight thrown off. For a description with pictures you can refer to this site https://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-make-a-vibrating-motor./ . Once that is made you can insert it into a pvc pipe and secure it for holding. You'll want to make sure to drill holes and pull the wires through so you can hook a switch to the wires. Once the wires are pulled through you can cover the whole thing in putty which will hold the wires. Secure the switch with the putty and shape it into your desired form. Let me know how it works. This may need some improvements....but you get the idea.
If you want something more personal you can always order a kit like Clone-a-willy and find a suitable specimen to mold. Hopefully, this gives you a launch pad for your own inventive pleasure!
You've made it...congratulations! You're a druggy in the end days. Might seem like a good time to "pick up", however, as counter intuitive as it may seem you have to think about shortages of everything. Shortages mean mandatory detoxes and forced withdrawal, so whatcha say we stop being zombies before we have to actually be zombies and put the crack and herin down for a second. Wouldn't you rather quit on your own? I know I would...so here's a few suggestion to help so when the real REAL end days hit we don't find ourselves not high and dry...
Keep Hallucinations Away from the Global Elite - The illuminati are stressful to think of sober so why would you think RIGHT NOW is a really great time to mull over the details of the Free Masons gone awry? You can’t pick up the handle of a coffee mug, do you really think you’re going to care bear stare the pure bloodline crap out of the all seeing eye on a dollar bill? You can still keep this a hunnah pahcent by not trying to solve the 1%. That's all gonna make you feel anxious and out of control then before you know it apathy will set in and you'll be right back to zero solving the worlds problems one bag at a time.
Don't Sweat The Small Stuff - You know you are sweating like a whore in church right now so don’t be eating bacon or chips” says doctor nobody, a physician we made up here at the institute of glandular technology. “Bacon and chips gets ground down by your teeth and anything that doesn’t get stored as fat comes out your sweat.” If this isn’t a good argument for not sweating the small stuff (even just psychologically) than we don’t know what is. If you are sweating a bunch of gross stuff and looking generally gross and smelling gross, you're going to feel just as gross as if you were using...bitch take care of yoself!
Stop Thinking You Are Going To Be Mark Cuban Tomorrow - Detoxing releases toxins, but also dillusions of grandeur. When you are clean for two days and discover that no one wants to schedule you for a TedTalk don't freak out like you are Justin Bieber and there's no peanut M&M's in the green room. It takes time to get your life back on track and there is no express lane. The super-demanding/non-providing cast member never makes it on survivor....not even close. Get clean so you can get wit it in time to be useful cause that takes time.
Judge it on the Pie - We used to judge how good our shit was on the high, now we judge how bad the comedown is on our shits. Or the lack thereof. Withdrawal can involve an entanglement of no to severe bowel movements, do you really want to be jumping through firey hoops while your anus is also on fire? These are things you need to be thinking about NOW so you don't have to face some biblical burning bush with a burning butthole.
Disclaimer: Homelessness is Not a Theoretical Substitute for Real Life Wilderness and Survival Training - Sure, you may know how to make a remote spammer out of Huawei Phone, jump start a selenoid with a screwdriver or inject someone with meth that is overdosing on heroin and those are all really great traits, but when the supply runs dry so does rationale. There's no gadget you can build that will make your buddies stop looking at you like you like they want to murder you cause they think you plotted an elaborate scheme to hide the last remaining shard. As much as you want to tell yourself that living without material things and making your way on the streets has helped you develop survival skills, those skills are out the window when you are a) looking for dope b) around other people looking for dope and c) withdrawing off dope. You may have the basics of some survival training and a good starting point, but you need to get off the drugs first and then pursue real life wilderness and survival training to be fit to utilize those skills to any great degree if things got entirely catastrophic.
So I hope I've convinced you where other doctors, teachers, commercials, and decades of your own personals mistakes have failed to do so that now is the perfect time to stop doing meth or heroine or crack or bath salts or whatever it is that is keeping you from your apocalyptic potential. And forget your potential....just think about that detox...yikes!
From what I have read, the real threat of the Corona virus is respiratory distress and viral pneumonia. The other threat we are facing is not enough staff or hospital beds. How can we help ourselves in our own homes from getting to the point of needing to go to the hospital and thus complicating the issue of tying up the medical system? The governor in my city has requested funding for more ventilators which leads me to the thought if ventilators are what the medical community is leaning on to save people what kind of hack ventilators can we use at home? Now I'm not a doctor (so take suggestions at your own risk and do your homework), these are just my own concoctions based on the things I googled at 3 o'clock in the morning fueled on epidemic madness. Also, I've scratched making anything from scratch, there is just no time. These are all orderable, subpar, yet perhaps wildcard life savers.
NEBULIZING COLLOIDAL SILVER
Colloidal silver is a form on ionized silver that is sold in in a tincture by ppm (parts per million). Even though it is not FDA approved, it is said that CS can cure bacterial and even viral illnesses (like viral pneumonia). The recommendation for amount was this:
"Put 15 cc (three teaspoons) in the included receptacle, turn on the machine and breathe deeply and slowly for approximately 15 minutes or until all the liquid is gone. Repeat three times a day for colds, pneumonias, bronchitis and sinusitis." - Dr. Victor Marcial-Vega, M.D., former Clinical Assistant Professor at the University of Miami School of Medicine from 1990 to 1994.
When you purchase Colloidal silver it will say on the packaging what PPM it is. For this purpose you will want to purchase 10 or 15 ppm. If it is uncomfortable you can always add salt water. Silver in large amounts can be toxic, but from everything I read this may be a good short term and perhaps lifesaving hack for the virus going around. Read about the amazing benefits of colloidal silver and how it kills viruses and bacteria alike.
EUCALYPTUS OR PEPPERMINT STEAM
Throwing a towel over your head and holding it over hot steam infused with these essential oils can really help to open up the airways and give you some relief. You can also run a hot shower and put some drops on the floor of the tub. A study posted to Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine found that herbs, including peppermint and eucalyptus, had a soothing effect on the throat of people with upper respiratory tract infections. These herbs may help break up mucus and ease the pain and inflammation caused by pneumonia. Make sure that everything is sterilized (very important!)
Turmeric in your tea is an anti-inflammatory and can help expansion in your lungs There are a number of antiviral, antimicrobial teas that provide the steam bath as well. These teas with added ginger, lemon and cayenne can give your body and your lungs some aid.
THINGS YOU WANT TO DISCONTINUE DURING THIS TIME THAT CAN ACTUALLY LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS are CPAP machines, asthma inhalers and home ventilators. There is such a thing called VAP which stands for ventilator assisted pneumonia. These things can actually cause pneumonia or make it worse due to the lack of sterilization and the spread of micro organisms. Also things like humidifiers and neti pots may not be that great either for this type of infection and may make the problem worse.
ALSO IT IS RECOMMENDED NOT TO TAKE COUGH REMEDIES OR COUGH DROPS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO EXPEL THE MUCUS AND NOT SUPPRESS IT.
Since when did crafty NOT mean coniving? Just because someone looks matrily DOES NOT mean they aren't a masochist. Normally, this is a how-to section, but I also write an occasional advice column and I've been thinking about a few things I'd like to share...so DIYers beware. Here are some Do-It-Yourself'ers that should be keeping it to themself-er's:
PEOPLE WHO MAKE BATH SALTS
Um, a salt bath has another word for it and that is "Brine". How do you know that these people aren't closet cannibals that are "flavoring" your dermis for later consumption? Don't you notice how pushy they are, trying to get you to try this body seasoning or that "herbal bath blend"? I hope that all this money I've spent taking your advice and brining my body for years and years in rosemary lavender taste good during armageddon, sicko!
If a handshake can spread illness and infect another person with a virus or a bacteria, you can only imagine what handing someone a well-infected goop could do. People who knowingly make and distribute slime might seem like innocent ten year olds to you, but in any other context we call these people "bioterrorist". My cousin Jamie makes slime in his basement, perhaps to go undetected. I'm onto you slime ball!
What do soap makers have in common with bomb makers? They are the same person! Just cause something doesn't have wires, doesn't mean it's not an explosive. With just a crockpot, some lye and a few other ingredients these fools have their hands on some powerful combustibles. Soap makers are great at gossip, but I'd be afraid of getting burned by them in a different way.
These are definitely the craftiest of individuals when it comes to destruction. Glue guns, exacto knives, cutting boards...is this the scene of Apocolypse Now or your mother-in-laws top drawer? Personally I would rather be shot with a real gun then to get a hot squirt to the eyeball rendering my lid attached forever. And with all of those creative skills, anything can double as a weapon of mass destruction.
PEOPLE WHO WRITE FOR DIYRRHEA
I mean seriously what kind of scumbags are making fun of people that have initiative, demonstrated creativity ability and follow through? Is this the epitome of a cynical limbo...uh, how low can you go? We might not be bioterrorist or cannibals, but we sure are killing it and not in a good way.
Do you potty? Cause I potty HARD.
When faced with the crockpot challenge, I invented something as useful as it is disgusting. Actually it might be just a teensy bit more on the disgusting side. What can I say...I have a dirty mind. This is an easy DIY compost bin example that almost anyone can do.
What you'll need:
3.5 qt crockpot
masonry drill bit
Sawdust, wood ash or leaves and peet
I drew a diagram to display my thoughts, there is even a slide so you can close it up.
First drill a hole in the bottom of the ceramic part of the crockpot that is reasonably where you are going to be shitting (NOT the outter heating unit-we are going to prop one on the other for added height and space. Next you'll want to measure the dimension of the ring of the base and cut three lids that exact size. These three lids wil eventually be stacked a glued, but the second layer will have the slide mechanism. The first ring and third ring you will want to cut a hole in the center just a bit bigger than the one in the ceramic. In the second ring you will cut a rectangle like the one pictured. Once you have all of the cutouts, you'll want to glue the rings together, make sure to leave the slide out a bit for an easy pull. Fill the bottom with sawdust or your choice of composting material and you are ready to potty!
This is only at the conceptual stage at this time. I feel like it could be a very useful protocol in DIY compost and also removing our crockpots from landfills to something useful!
First we had emoticons, than emoji's and now you can call cluster emoji's that make compound nouns...emoticoms! These emoji’s are simply representations to give you an idea of the compound nouns you can convey on your text messages. They are not exact replicas of the emoji’s programmed into your phone, but you should get the picture 🙂😙😞
🐴💩 — Horse Shit, very helpful in conveying that you feel questionable about whatever the hell it is you are talking about
🐮💩 — Bull shit. For when you want to call bullshit in the cutest way possible.
🐝➡️🔙 — Be right back. Much more meaningful than brb.
🔥⚡ — Hot flashes. Some of us could put this emoji to very good use.
🐤🧲 — Chick Magnet. (With use of actual magnet emoji)
🏁⛵ — Flagship. If you happen to be talking about a pioneer in the industry you can drop this compound emoji.
🌰💼 — Nut case. You might be talking about your boss, you might be talking about your mom. There is a lot of versatility in this combo.
👁️’m ⬇️ — One way to say you are game for whatever.
🍯🍔 — Honey Bun. Say ‘Hey baby’ in this unique way.
🐱🐟 — Catfish. Maybe you are being catfished, maybe you are doing the catfishing, either way this is a good way to break it to your perpetrator/victim.
🐌📨 — Snail mail. As long as things still aren’t 💯 digital, you can use these digital emoticons to communicate that.
⬆️🌃👱♀️ - Uptown Girl. Whoa oh oh oho oho oho ohoo ohoo oh.
I've always said rich is a feeling. You don't have to be a millionaire to feel rich, you don't even have to have a dollar. One time I drove along the San Diego coast in a Saturn listening to the Eagles with the windows rolled down and couldn't think of a thing I'd rather do in the moment if all the world's money was at my disposal. Likewise, I volunteered at a live music yoga studio in La Jolla and got free classes in exchange for mopping the redwood floor. While the two other women that usually attended were paying hundreds of dollars a month, I was doing frog pose on the poverty line.
Here are some creative ways to get a workout AND feel rich
VOLUNTEER AT A YOGA STUDIO: I happen to know that MOST yoga studio's offer some form of exchange if you can't pay. Yoga happens to be backed by an all-inclusive philosophy (not always) even though it comes across as quite elitist. Like I mentioned before I was doing yoga on the beach in one of the most expensive zip codes in America. For free. If you find a lavish studio-and/or some corporate chains (like Core Power yoga) give it a shot, it can't hurt.
GET FREE PASSES BACK-TO-BACK: Guest passes are offered everywhere from LA Fitness to 24 Hour. Even posh Barre and Pilates studio's often let you sit in for at least one class. LA Fitness will sometimes give a person 2 weeks to try their gym AND THEN go to one at another location. There really are enough gyms to keep most people busy for a year (considering most people workout 12 times a year).
GET AEROBICS EQUIPMENT ON CRAIGSLIST: There are two ways to do this typically. A) Look under the "For Sale" section under "Free". You can browse through the giveaways or enter "Elliptical" or "Treadmill" into the search bar. OR you can post yourself in the "Items Wanted" section and let them know you will pick it up. Some people are itching to get rid of equipment they used a whole 12 times last year.
WORKOUT ON A BEACH OR IN AN UPSCALE PARK: Let's just admit it, rich people go to the beach. Why do you think there are so many bums there? They migrated to a place they could be broke and feel rich. Sometimes yogi's will host donation classes at parks and beaches. These kinds of things can be found in community calendars and online at sites like Meetups.com. For parks you can also look up the Parks and Recreation site for your town.
Who said that only the rich can feel rich? I certainly did not and will smack someone with a white glove in the face if they ever claim I did. These are 100 percent tried and tested ways to get a quality workout without paying a dime. If you know of any other ways, pray do tell!
No lie, the first time I saw a doorbell rigged to a bedroom was when my genius older brother extended his electronics kit to make it so I had to push a button before talking to his brainiac self. Yes, at eleven years old he set up an old school doorbell and I just thought it was so lame at the time. Now facing the revolving door of students on my floor going in and out of my dorm, it makes a lot more sense. Even better, the new age doorbells have fancy camera's and it's easy to see who I need to pretend to be not-home for and who I can yell to enter.
Here are three types of doorbell's perfect for dorm rooms or just bedrooms in general.
Having one of these devices also has an added element of security to your space. If you have a camera or a doorbell that connects to your phone, you can easily check out who is roaming around while you are not there. Below you can find one-click purchase for any of the above listed items.
Your boyfriend is staring at his phone, who the hell could he be texting? He seems to be enjoying himself, THAT bitch! You never should have supported him getting a Galaxy five, all that T & A he’s potentially scrolling through has 1460 x 2540 resolution!
Girl, stop. See now one of your diamonds just dried to your nail piercing. Deeeeem. There are many how-to blogs showing you how to apply rinestone’s to your nails, but there’s only one…this one…that will help you stay calm while your bf simply does not care about your mosaic sparkling peacock Swarovski crystal creation, but instead has his head buried deep inside his GD Samsung Galaxy 5.
First, you’ll want to buff your nails.
Buffers were made entirely as decoys. You might want to chew gum as well so as to appear aloof, but at the same time scanning your bf’s facial muscles for abnormalities. Is he smiling in delight? Is he clenching his teeth and tense. Is he doing that stern face he does when talking to his boss? At this time you’ll want to chew your gum more fervently. As you remove the top of your nail with the emery board determine the relationship between him and the person on the other end. Male or Female? If you don’t know it is safe to assume that it is some cheating bitch.
Now it’s time to move on to the top coat base layer. Also, to unpeel the layers of answers to those passive probing questions you are slathering on.
“You look like you are really enjoying that conversation”, “Is something funny…I like funny stuff?” or “Whatcha doin’?”…these are all great extraction questions. Keep going on this line as you move onto the next line of products. It’s very important AT THIS TIME to find out if it is a new relationship or one that’s been ongoing. If he acts like it’s his best friend AJ and you are just being dramatic, it’s safe to assume it is some cheating bitch.
For the last and final layer you’ll want to strike on a clear coat while you’re using standard accusations based on your previous assumptions.
Start out light with just a quick dry and “I feel” statements like “I feel like you’ve been spending a lot of time on your phone for the last thirty minutes” then move to a shellac and aggressive threats “I have guys hitting on me daily, if you aren’t going to pay attention to me, I have ten guys waiting out the window ready to F me in a heart beat!”
Now your nails look amazing and you look just psychotic enough to use them! Remember, you just cleaned all the dead skin out of them so try not to immediately collect a whole new pile of compacted cells. Give it an hour or two before you kick out your bf because you’ll be petting your cat angrily on the couch when he leaves and you don’t want to get the feline hair stuck to the clear coat.